by Colin McGuire<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not quite sure why people use the holidays as an excuse to drink. Along with Thanksgiving comes wine. Along with Christmas comes eggnog. Along with New Year\u2019s Eve comes champagne.
\nMe? I don\u2019t need odd family gatherings and 10-second countdowns to crack open a microwavable Natty Boh on any day that ends in a \u201cy.\u201d Oh, sure. So you don\u2019t need more than one glass of Korbel and you think any beer that ends with the word \u201cLight\u201d isn\u2019t worth your time.
\nKewl.
\nAnyway, I was recently reflecting on the whole holiday drinking thing when I came across a Google result that read as such: \u201c20+ Easy Christmas Cocktails.\u201d It was from something called \u201cDelish,\u201d and instead of listing the recipes via straight words and pictures, it forced me to navigate through a slideshow, which, of course, only made me want to reach for the microwave door.
\nStill, I was fully prepared to dismiss everything about this nonsense until I saw the first concoction: Santa Clausmopolitans, featuring lime, sugar, vodka, cranberry juice, triple sec, lime juice and cranberries. I couldn\u2019t help but feel equally charmed and condescended to by such a cute\/obnoxious name.
\nNaturally, I had to click forward.
\n****
\nWhat else was on the list? How about Jingle Juice, which features cran-apple juice, moscato, prosecco, vodka, cranberries, mint leaves, sugar and limes, to replace the ole tried and true jungle juice? And if you didn\u2019t like that, you could click all the way to the end, where you\u2019d find a recipe for \u201cEddie\u2019s Eggnog\u201d that is supposed to be in tribute to Cousin Eddy from \u201cNational Lampoon\u2019s Christmas Vacation.\u201d
\nSomewhere, Randy Quaid is adjusting his bathrobe.
\nAll of this festive fantasizing made me wonder what type of holiday-themed cocktails I could come up with were I given the opportunity to write \u201cstories\u201d for something called \u201cDelish.\u201d
\nYou, friends, are welcome.<\/p>\n
Rain Deer Ros\u00e9: Forget Blitzen and Donner. For this holiday staple, grab three quarts of rain from your clogged gutters, cook up some of the venison you still have frozen from last year\u2019s hunting season and pop that bottle of $3 ros\u00e9 you\u2019ve been saving for the \u201cright time.\u201d The venison serves as fantastic garnish while the rain gives the drink a well-rounded earthiness.
\nSuggested price: $12 (hey, meat ain\u2019t cheap!)
\nMarket to: Wealthy bears<\/p>\n
Leinenkugel\u2019s Winter Shandy: Remember that six-pack of Leinenkugel\u2019s Summer Shandy from 1999 that you stored in your attic, thinking you\u2019d never have to deal with it again? Pop those bottles open this New Year\u2019s Eve and celebrate 20 years of high-temperature excellence that proves equally as memorable in the winter months as it does throughout the summer.
\nSuggested price: $3.99 (note: not adjusted for inflation)
\nMarket to: The 55-year-old house dad who nobody ever knows what to get for Christmas<\/p>\n
Ho Ho Ho And A Bottle Of Rum: Go buy a bottle of run. Open it. Drink it. Don\u2019t stop until you see the bottom of the bottle. Pretty straightforward.
\nSuggested price: $10-$150 (pricing depends on if you\u2019re the type of person who finds the Santa Clausmopolitans charming or condescending)
\nMarket to: The uncle who never makes it to gift-giving, the second half of the football game and the shower on a regular basis<\/p>\n
Sugarplum\u2019s Sangria: Three cups sugar, five plums, a dash of orange juice and 15 shots of brandy. If this doesn\u2019t show up on \u201cThe Real Housewives of Potomac\u201d by the beginning of season four, I am going to demand this magazine adjust its circulation.
\nSuggested price: $22.50 (all ingredients included)
\nMarket to: Anyone who has ever purchased a bottle of Skinnygirl wine
\n****
\nSo, what are the lessons learned?
\nWell, for one, Delish needs to hire me.
\nTwo, a \u201cLessons Learned\u201d cocktail book needs to go to press so it can be available for 2019\u2019s holiday season.
\nThree, \u201cmeat-garnished mixed drinks\u201d are the new \u201cNew England IPAs.\u201d
\nFour, I think the line between flirty and sloppy is somewhere between three and three-and-a-half sugar plum sangrias.
\nAnd five, no matter what anyone tells you, don\u2019t believe the hype: You don\u2019t need the holiday season to enjoy a drink or two. I mean, don\u2019t even get me started on what can be found in Cupid\u2019s Cider.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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