LESSONS LEARNED, BY COLIN MCGUIRE
I need to lose weight. (Cue the third issue of “Uncapped,” where this column will begin, “So, I’m trying to lose weight …”). I’m fat. What can I say? I shudder to weigh myself for fear of facing the truth: over the last couple of years, I’ve regained some outrageously unhealthy eating habits.
Long ago, I got it in my head that drinking wine, which I generally don’t do, would enable me to lose weight. I asked a coworker who loves her wine as much as I love the monthly Checkers coupons that come in the mail about this. She looked at me like I had 19 eyes. Naturally, I failed to justify my claim and I sounded how I looked: Like a guy with 19 eyes.
Or, well, a fat guy with 19 eyes.
Still, I reserve the right to live in the universe of my choosing, one where drinking wine helps you lose weight. And because we all live in a universe where The Internet exists, I was able to find evidence to back that up in the form of this, published on dailyburn.com in 2016:
“Recent research in mice showed that resveratrol, an antioxidant in red wine, can help turn regular white fat into energy-burning beige fat, which can contribute to weight loss and prevent obesity.”
Boom! Thank you, Al Gore, for inventing The Internet, which is filled with Convenient Truths.
These things were running through my mind when I recently sat down with a bottle of red. If I’m going to change my drinking habits in the name of losing weight, what better time to test the waters than now, I thought.
The result was … tough. The first glass reminded me that the first glass is always the hardest to swallow—or the easiest, depending on how hard your day was.
The second glass? It was vaguely better, but it also reminded me of mulling wine, which I’ve done in my life, and which makes me question the intelligence of humankind. Boil alcohol? Are you serious? If you want a glass of grape juice, rip it from the clutches of the 6-year-old you couldn’t deal with unless things like wine existed.
Anyway, the third, fourth, fifth and … oh, who am I kidding, I finished the bottle. And while the glasses did eventually go down easier, I didn’t walk away from the experience thinking I could jump back into drinking wine whenever I want to drink. Never mind losing weight. I need to learn how to love wine again.
And that brings me to an article from something called “Wine Folly,” which offers seven tips on how I can stay healthy and enjoy wine. Among the nuggets of brilliance:
• Know wine’s calories
• Earn your glass
• Don’t drink before you eat
• Drink dry red wine
• Don’t drink too late
• Spend more on wine
• Drink wine away from home
To which I say, “No,” “What?” “You’re kidding, right?” “I’m into it,” “Not a chance,” “Ha!” and “Who drinks away from home? I prefer my wine alone, without lights, next to a bag of Doritos.”
As if I needed more reason to doubt my own personal truth about drinking wine and losing weight, this collection of stuff made it virtually impossible for me to ever drink wine again.
I mean, if you don’t need a glass of pinot before mowing down a Big Mac, you don’t know what livin’ is.
So, what’s the lesson learned? For one, I don’t know how the hell I’m going to lose weight now that it appears I might not like wine again.
For two, never look on The Internet for information supporting your own truth, because it’s just as easy to find the opposite.
For three, I’m an idiot, because according to a handy chart also found on The Internet, one glass of wine equals 105 calories, while a 12-ounce light beer provides only 99 (hello, Natty Boh, my old friend).
For four, how about I just go to the gym once in a while?
And for five, mulling wine is a lot more beneficial when it doesn’t involve a Crock-Pot, spices and the intelligence of humankind. Mulling solutions, however? That’s a little trickier.